An Open Letter...
I was born 32 years ago today, to a woman & a man named Carlos & Cristina (referenced here at Mother Dearest). Life was good as a young child, times were fun, but again I did spend a lot of my times playing with my Best Friend, my German Shepherd. I was born in a little rich town in Los Angeles, California where I had a nanny for as long as I can remember. In 1983 I got a baby brother named Christopher. Shortly after, we moved to Miami... I don't remember the family drama or issues as a child, I was always an innocent soul, never saw the bad in people, & til this day I am still the same way, many people have to point the bad or negative of a person to me, if not, you're just another person coming through my life.
I tried to enjoy life to the fullest as a child, & I did until we got back from Brazil in 1991, when I began to see life in a different way. I've always said to myself that I've lived 2 lives, one before brazil & the other on our way back, those 11 months was some sort of a dream for me, & then I woke up... There aren't words to explain it, I just know I came back as a different person. I think what changed me was the ultimate loss of my German Shepherd, my best friend, the one I would always run to when I was sad, or wanted to get away from the world. I was barely 10 & that dog meant more to me than anything in this world. I remember we lost him for about 10 days, & those were the worse days of my life. I still remember coming home from school & mom saying she had a surprise for us, & when we got home, he was in the TV room with dad, & Chris passed by & said "Hi Tommy" & kept walking, a minute later he came back screaming, "Tommmmmyyyyy!!!" Those were happy moments.
When we left to Brazil I was given a million excuses why we couldn't take him & one was bc of his ears, he had surgery & we were told he couldn't fly, he was gonna be given to a family friend who was a vet assistant, I didn't know much, that's all I knew. It killed me not being near him those 11 months, but boy the minute we were coming back from Brazil, I was already asking for him, I couldn't wait to get off the plane to go pick him up. I bothered my parents to call & get info on him, sadly to find out that he supposedly was given to a family in Texas. I didn't believe it, those were the times I didn't trust in anyone, I was so mad, mad at the world for taking my best friend away from me & not bringing him back, I think this is when things started to change.
We moved to Kendall, where we started a new school & new neighborhood, with new friends. One of which was our front door neighbor, Jorge. Lots of great times with him & his family, see at this age, I was starting to get my period, become a young lady, my mom never spoke about that subject with me, she just bought me a book, & I guess expected me to read it. She didnt talk about any sexual subjects or anything a mom should discuss with their child when it came to things like this, specially when people touch you inappropriately. I didn't know any of that stuff, I was innocent, I didn't know any better. What no one knows & it took me to be about 19 yrs old, in a serious relationship & watching TV & learning about the crazy shit that goes on in this world was that I was molested as a young pre teen. No one ever knew, not even my mother, she found out when I was 25 yrs old. All she could say when I told her is "what? Why didn't you tell me?" Are you serious? I didn't know any better.
When we moved from Brazil, life for me changed a bit. Things just weren't right. I believe it was the end of 4th grade, I was doing math homework & she wasn't home, so my father was helping me, I don't remember exactly what happened, but I made a mistake on the homework or something & he lost his temper, grabbed my shoe, which had a small "fat" heel, & beat the crap out of me. I don't remember much more of that day, but I do know it was the beginning of a hell of a lot of beatings to come, I did spend about a week going to school in turtle necks in the middle of April/ May. From then on, everything happened to me, smacked in so many different places, hit, shoved, yanked by the hair & dragged down a flight of stairs, very soon my brother followed suit & no one ever said anything. Like it was ok. But the worse part of it all was she stood by the whole time, I think out of all the times, she may have tried to defend me half a dozen times. I remember I would run to my counselor in middle school & HRS ( what we used to call child protective services back then) would be called with visits at home. Things would get better just a tad, but then months later back to the same routine.
Times got worse once I got my first official boyfriend at 13. He became my 1st puppy love, we ended up dating on & off for a little more than 2 yrs. He was Dominican, he was dark skinned & that set my parents into a frenzy when they knew I was dating him. They forbid me to see him, but I found so many ways to see him, specially since he lived in the same complex in the Hammocks. I remember trying to talk to my mom one day, she was in mine & my brothers bathroom, cleaning when I walked in asking her why they had such an issue with me dating Carlos, & I was then told bc of his color. This boy was called so many names to my face, that it murdered me to hear them, I told her that day, didn't you guys teach me never to judge a book by its cover?! Now are you guys being a hypocrite?! Seems like their daughter wasn't allow to date a dark colored boy, but their rage against the opposite color was more than that, bc when I became best friends with one of my Best friends who's Puerto Rican, the shit talking continued. I won't call out who she is bc she's still in my life & I don't wanna put her out there. Though they were called terrible dark skinned names, their reason wasn't about their color it was that they would never amount to anything & would bring me down with them. That they didn't have good intentions with me. Then a few years later I brought Danny home, & Danny isn't a white boy, no way but he is Chilean, with very strong Indian decent, but he's no where close to dark compared to Carlos & the BFF, but he still was called his share of names, he was never good enough in their eyes, & yes Danny had his share of issues, but he was still a good kid. And at the end of the day, who was there supporting all of this... The woman we are suppose to call my mother. Never did she defend me, never did she look out for me, or be my friend.
I was always jealous of the friendships my friends had with their mothers. Many of them did take me under their wing & was like my 2nd mother. I looked up to many of my moms friends bc they treated me with such respect & love & I'm forever grateful for them. Especially one who ended her friendship with my mom due to the way she is. She didn't like the way my mother acted towards us, she said she lost respect for her, she explained to me that my mother was to be a mother first above all else, & just because we were grown didn't mean that she would now forget that & go off & enjoy life, forgetting about us. I never felt that close to Mother Dearest & don't know why, but I guess it also explains why I can't stand her either. It just never clicked, no matter how hard I tried, we became closer as I got older, but things never was the best.
I can say I grew up in the higher middle class, we had money for as long as I can remember. My dad was strict, an asshole, could treat me like shit, but at the end of the day he did have a big heart with his wallet. He knew how to spoil us rotten. Trips to Brazil every so often, A cruise to the Bahamas in the presidential suite of the Royal Caribbean, trips to Jacksonville, plenty of gifts during Christmas, & my 18th birthday party which I know wasn't cheap. But things got bad during my teen years, where Mother Dearest was to go back out to work in the real world, I know she wasn't happy & I always would hear her complain about it, throw it in my dads face. She was going back to work after 17 years of being a spoil rotten stay at home wife. During the last years of my dads life things were ok for my dad, he was working with his best friend as always with clients in Brazil. So he was making some commission, some months they were good checks & others they weren't. I think Mother Dearest was starting to get fed up, but her excuse was that he was drinking too much. Yes, dad was an alcoholic & had gotten an ulcer removed & a gallbladder, & I think that was the reason for his abuse so many of the times through out the years. But you can tell she wasn't living the life she lived years before, I think she waited for the perfect opportunity, she swears that til this day she was on my side, defending me, but I know it was her way of finally escaping. In October of 2003, I got into a fight with dad, I don't remember why, Mother Dearest got herself in the middle somehow & dad got mad abut something, but being drunk, he fell asleep. When he awoke he started with me again & got so mad that he kicked me out & told my Dear Mother to follow suit. She was like really? He said yes, boy I have never seen someone pack their bags so fast. I went packed my stuff & left with her. We went to one of her friends house, who I couldn't stand. At that time I was married to Danny, but not living with him due to some issues with his family, so that same weekend, him & I rented a hotel & started looking for a place, which we found the same day. Mother Dearest also started looking, & found an apt across the street of her job. She moved in, settled in & soon after was changing her phone #, bc my dad was calling her all the time, & she was trying to avoid him. What's funny, now that I think about it, she never in those 5 months attempted to start divorce fillings with him, like she was still leading him on, now that I think back.
During those months, dad did everything possible to get her back, but she wasn't having it, & he was drinking worse & worse everyday. I only heard her side bc I didn't speak to him til the day before my birthday, where he asked for forgiveness for all the stuff he's done through out the years, he finally sat with Danny & got to know him as a man & accepted him as my husband, I think that was one of the best birthday gifts I've ever gotten. Someone asked me how is it that I could care for him & miss him, & think so much of him after all he's done, & my answer is bc, at the end of the day, he realized he mistakes, he apologized, & those last 2 months were some amazing months while he was alive, we made up for lost time I guess, you can say. I would often go by to drop off his favorite foods since he wasn't eating well, drop off empanadas & get to know his first girlfriend as a teenager who he was talking to a lot since he was alone. As far as I know Mother Dearest would visit very seldom, not enough. She was very cold... He broke his leg at one point & she didn't go to help, so much so he had to go to Jacksonville to be with his best friend. Idk what her intentions were, until... That fatal day on March 22nd, 2004.
I am revealing this information & how i felt for the 1st time in 9 years, but sometimes I blame myself for what happened that fateful day. It was a Monday, I got a call from her saying my dad had complained about having a " heart attack", at this time we were a tad worried about him lying as he had just told us months before he had cancer, & we knew it was a lie, & his way of getting my moms attention. I called my brother & he told me he called the rescue & they transported him to Kendall Regional, so I said I'd go over there to see him & get info from the Drs before he fed us more lies. I was in shock to see how terrible he looked. I had just seen him that weekend, dropped off some empanadas on Saturday. He was yellow. From head to toe, just yellow. I sat with him & waited for the dr, he complained his chest hurt & felt heavy. I believe I had told the drs that he has been drinking, & I got a call from bellsouth for them to come install a phone line, so I told him I was leaving & I'd be back later, not thinking that would be the last time I spoke to him. That evening, my mom said that they had to detox him & he had a bad reaction to it, he went into some sort of a coma. Why did she NOT go see him that night?! Why?! No she went the next day when we were told he was in terrible condition, I remember walking in& he was in a coma but his eyes were open, it was an ugly site to see, when he heard my moms voice he went nuts, he moved his hands, but he couldn't move at all, just weird. I called his best friend & told him he was on a ventilator, my uncle went bazurk, saying he had a living well that stated he wasn't suppose to be on life support, the drs gave us a lame excuse why he was suppose to stay on it... To me, I guess she only went to prove to herself that he was really on that death bed.
After seeing him like that, I couldn't return to the hospital til he was off of those machines. April 8th, he was transferred to hospice, & everyone in his life in Miami went to see him to say their good byes. I was there all day, & met a lady who told me that he wouldn't make past the weekend. That weekend was the start of Good Friday & Easter, & I thought that if he had to go then this would be the best weekend. People may not understand this, but I did, I spoke to him, I told him to go home, go see his parents, go see our amazing German shepherd, that they would be waiting for him to take him to the light & cross over. No one ever saw that lady, no one knew who she was, & I think she was his angel who came to make sure he was ready to. The next day, at 3pm, Good Friday, April 9th, my father passed away.
EHis body hadn't even been cremated when talks about how my dads money would be ehandled from his best friend to my brother. It was clear to everyone that the commissions coming in every so often was his, my uncle thought my brother was still under age, & to immature to handle the amount of $ that was coming in & thought my mom should be the one to handle my brothers money, O lord was that the biggest mistake, a mistake that until this day I can't believe was done & something I would never forgive my mother for.
Within 2 weeks, she was having a garage sale & getting rid of everything. Minus personal things, like pictures, videos, etc... She cleared out the house in 2 seconds. I don't remember where the money from the garage sale went to, but I'm sure right into her pocket. My brother needed to move out & had plenty of struggles during the 1st year of my dads death, he didn't have $ to save himself. He even eventually lost most of his belongings in the storage unit, which forever pissed me off bc I lost ALL of OUR childhood videos. I have nothing to go back to. I remember we were in the car that she bought, right after my dad died, & gave my brother the family car, we were driving into Kendall, I remember this like if it happened this afternoon, we were talking about the money & she said, "This is the least your dad could of done for me for all the shit he put me through, throughout the years!" I told her that that money was NOT hers, but Chris'. She said no, that the $ was hers. I was like wow... I didn't realize how much money was given to her that year til taxes rolled around & I saw the 1099, in 9 months she received $26,000. That is someone's salary. I never thought much about it til months later when I needed to borrow money bc I was moving, went to my uncle for some money & he told me to go talk to my mom she had just received $6,000 from him. When I called her about it, she swore she never got anything, I went back to my uncle & when I confronted her, she said the $ was gone, she gave some to my brother, she had to save some for the taxes & had to pay last years taxes & some bills. I called Chris & asked him when was the last time he got money from her & he stated months ago. That he's been needing money & that there wasn't commission coming in. When I told him the truth, & told him he needed to have our uncle change the checks to go directly to him, he believed me & did just that, but not until my uncle confirmed with me that he was old enough & responsible enough to handle the amount of $ coming in. Once everything was set, & he confronted my mom, he came back to me telling me I was crazy, & I had it all wrong. His girlfriend at the time believed me, she knew she had a feeling something was up, she saw how much my brother was suffering economically.
Since then I never, ever ever trusted her again, how could you trust a mother who was stealing money from you, who was enjoying the $, while knowing you we're struggling & not caring.
Over these years, I have ended my relationship with her countless times, some how we mend things again only to end it again later, always being my "fault" somehow. My brother & I haven't spoken in over 3 years, & does she do anything to get us to talk? Nope. She doesn't get involved. There are no Thanksgiving dinners or Christmas festivities. She doesn't do anything unless its to help herself.
I've called this woman a hell of a lot of names, but only bc she deserves it. Most of you must have your mouth dropped to the floor, you can't understand how could I, but I have & you will never understand til you see it for yourself.
When you recently find out that she "kidnapped" her kids to go to brazil, & get away from him when we were young children, makes ya think. You hear from family members how everyone thinks of her as a gold digger, never happy with what she had. A woman who has constantly told you she didn't want to be a grandmother, & has said not to count on her when babysitting her own grandchildren. How much respect can you have for a woman like this?!
Yes I put her out there like this, so she should realize how mad I am at her, how this bullshit that she did to me this last time is unthinkable & unable to forgive. I asked her to give me some time from being mad about Never being invited to Thanksgiving & instead not only does she delete me, but blocks me completely from Facebook. Like seriously? Is that how to go about it. She didn't get what SHE wanted so she tries to get my attn by doing this, o yeah she got my attn & I told her I'm done with her, once & for all.
This is my way of closing this chapter in my life. Today is my 32nd birthday & I'm ready to close this last chapter & not look back, I'm done with the drama from this family.
If she is reading this, good, my job is done, that's what I wanted & this letter will tell you how I feel about you once & for all. I can't stand you, & you are finished in my life, you did this. I am the black sheep of the family but bc of all the shit I've gone through in life. I am a good person, a person who only wants to please people, & usually never asks for anything in return, but I'm tired of being that person & getting taken advantage of, I have changed a lot over the past couple years, & I'm about to change yet again. You did this to me.
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
"There is a difference between giving up & knowing when you've had enough."
Dear past, thank you for all the lessons, dear future, I'm now ready!
"Don't let the noise of other people's opinion drown out your inner voice."
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